ugh...

This is the post I have been dreading the most. I told myself when I began this project that I was going to be honest with myself and my readers, as that is the point to doing the blog, so I have someone or something to answer to when I know I have been bad.  And.....Since my last post I have been anything but good. Imagine the worst amount of cheating and times it by ten and that's what i have done. I can almost feel myself growing larger by the bite but I continue to eat it anyways.  This time I cant even use an excuse like: I danced around the house as I was cleaning so all the bad stuff I've been eating I burned off. Which would be wonderful if i had actually done it. Of course if I had then  all those horrible horrible, horrible foods I have eaten still would not all have burned off but i'm sure, by the way I dance, that a certain amount would have in fact been burned off, though not nearly enough.
 As the days go buy I still wonder if I am strong enough to do this process. Ive been trying for about a month now, and I am pretty sure that I have maintained but not lost.  Its not like I sit around all day and I did do some of the things I originally wanted to do which would probably be the reason i have not gained nor lost any weight. I have stopped eating late at night, at work, I have started drinking more water, and man do I pee a lot now, good lord I wasn't aware it was possible to pee as much haha. I have also stopped eating right before I go to sleep. Now I will go to sleep hungry or I will drink a small glass of milk that will curve the hunger enough so that i can sleep alright.
 Now that I have officially confessed all my bad habit's to my self and you, I should really start getting back on track, a 3 day weekend is clearly not a good idea for me :) So with this utterly terrible news I now get back to trying to make my self happy by having less of myself.
Sincerely
To Big for My Own Good

the journey continues

Progress is slowly but surely being made..i have not stepped on the scale in weeks..but i know i do not need a scale to tell me how my journey is going.  I have cut back how much i am eating...not necessarily what i am eating just the amount.  I am trying not to deprive my self of all my desires because i know if i do then i am going to binge on my days off the the entire week of being strong will have all gone to shit and that is something that would suck and then i would only be more pissed off at myself. I know i am making progress because i can see it and feel it...especially when i put on some of my clothes and they fit a little better than they did before...major weight loss has not been accomplished yet...key word being yet! the journey is just beginning and i will get to where i want to be by the summer of 2012!
Sincerely
to big for my own good... 

CHALLENGER

COLD WEATHER, RAIN, SWEATS, MOVIES, AND A COUCH TO CURL UP ON IS DISASTER FOR SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO CHANGE THEIR LIFESTYLE.  ON OUR LAZY KIND OF DAY ALL WE WANT TO DO IS EAT FOOD NOT GOOD FOR US AND DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE. WHICH SOUNDS AMAZING ON A DAY LIKE TODAY. BUT I MUST STICK WITH THE PLAN THAT I HAVE ADVISED FOR MYSELF.
   I HAVE HAD A CHALLENGER STEP UP AND CHALLENGE ME ON THEIR JOURNEY TO A HEALTHIER THEM. AS A COMPETITION WE WILL BE POSTING EVERY COUPLE OF DAYS ON OUR SUCCESSES AND FAILURES. IN ORDER TO MAKE THESE BLOGS MORE INTERESTING YOU ALL SHOULD FOLLOW HER BLOG AS WELL. THE URL TO HER BLOG IS www.journeytoliving.blogspot.com. THIS IS ONE BLOG THAT SHOULD BE CHECKED OUT..SHE IS A WONDERFUL GIRL AS WELL AS A TALENTED WRITER THAT IS ABLE TO CAPTURE YOUR INTEREST TO MAKE THIS ALL THE MORE FUN.  
  I WOULD LOVE TO INVITE ANY OTHER CHALLENGERS TO JOIN AND GET HELATIER ALONG WITH US.  AS A GROUP WE ARE ABLE TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER ON OUR JOURNEYS. THIS WOULD ALSO GIVE US SOMETHING TO OWN UP TO SO WHEN WE DO CHEAT OR WANT TO GIVE IN YOU WILL HAVE TO ANSWER FOR IT. IN ALL THIS WE WILL BECOME HEALTHY IN A NATION THAT HAS GONE TO FAR. TO BE HEALTHY IS SOMETHING WE WILL HAVE TO FIGHT FOR, FOR A LIFE TIME. 
  SO JOIN ME AND GAIA IN THIS ENDLESS JOURNEY TO BECOME HEALTHY AND HAPPY!

LETS LET IT ALL OUT NOW....

So this week so far has probably been the worst week of my LIFE!I cannot believe how much I have cheated and just not cared about anything. Eating right before bed...unhealthy food at that. Eating everything in sight...its like I'm not even trying...but the most frustrating part of that is knowing what I'm doing and not doing any thing about it....I know what i want but i have just become another one of those people who sit on their ass complaining day in and day out about everything they hate about themselves and not doing a damn thing about it.  That is the last kind of person i wanted to be during this process and it is really pissing me off.  Why am i not trying harder? Have i become content and comfortable in the body i have developed?  How can i be happy though with disgust on my face every time i look in a mirror? Has this fat lining my bones become a comfort blanket? If so what am i afraid of? I think to become successful i need to look past my physical appearance and dig a little deeper into the emotion that has come with gaining this weight...and why i have not had the will to loose it. 
  Every day when i take a shower i have to see a body that makes me unhappy, and repulses me in a way it shouldn't. I would not be with someone who is like me because i do not find it attractive...how am i supposed to be found attractive with this excess weight? I understand some people don't mind it and some people even like it...but most of the time its people in the same position.  I am not happy. I do not look good. I will find my solution and I WILL fix the issues i have with my own body. I will not stand by and watch myself gain more weight become more unhappy and disgusted with myself. I will not sit on my ass all day and do nothing wile complaining about it.  From this day out I will try and think about what i am eating, why i am eating it...and think about how this food will affect me in a negative or a positive way.
   I figure just changing my diet is not going to work. Clearly i do not have the strength to do just that to loose weight...i must commit more to something to help aid in the depreciation of my fat.  I must start working out. Its not like its not fun...a work out buddy would be most help full but the fact that i do not have one cannot be an excuse as to why i am not doing it.
  I WILL be me again...I WILL be happy. I WILL loose weight. I WILL stop hiding. I WILL find myself again. I WILL BE STRONG!

End of week one!

Okay well I have managed to forget day 6 except for the fact I had drank a lot of tea..and for dinner i believe I had home made french fries...man those were a long time coming. For whatever reason I was craving them so badly. When I started this blog I told my self I was going to be honest, and not deprive myself of what I wanted or craved but rather eat a smaller amount of what ever the terrible for me food was. That I have done. As noted in my first post I was also going to drink water...that has not gone over so well. I hate drinking water, there is no fun in water and that could be possibly why, that is why I drink so much Tea. I get caffeine, and its fun to drink. Plus I figure I have to boil water then put a little packet of herbs in that hot water, either way I am still getting my water...well that proved wrong this week when I had not drank any water and almost passed out at work....lets just say...lesson learned! Water=GOOD!. 
     From that point on I began drinking more water....Cant say I like it now more than before but I can say that I am seeing a lot more of my bathroom now...I would say we are best buds now. I have never had to pee so much in my life! I was not aware that a human could pee so much, I thought for sure I was peeing out the pound I lost this week.  I cheated, sure, who doesn't, my problem, I cheated almost every day this week! I had a good day or two but the rest were not as they could have been.  Victory for week one! did not gain any more weight and lost 1lb. I would love to loose more so this week I am going to try to stick to my guns a lot more...because clearly I cannot continue doing the same thing. It would take me a year to loose 50lbs and well Im not that paitent, so this process is going to have to speed up a bit! summer will be here before we know it and i dont want to spend another summer hiding, and in constant fear someone is laughing at me behind my back, or dreading going shopping for summer clotes. For once I would like to look forward to the summer time, and looking cute in summertime!
  This weeks goals:
No more than one cup of tea per day
Only water besids one cup of tea every day
My only cheat once! (will choose time wisely)
No eating at work..(will have to bring something   from home
No eating before bed...all week
No mindless munching!
wish me luck on my endeavors!
Sincerely
To Big for My Own Good....

5

Day  5 has been good, all water all day, I had spaghetti for dinner with of course french bread...yumm....for work I packed me up some spaghetti so I could eat at work with out feeling guilty, or eating bad by eating at work.  Day 5 has been a success! I did well. drank water like I wanted to, at enough to not feel sick and almost pass out a work but not so much that this whole healthier me is a waste. Day 5 is what i need every day to be like...a success. Saturday is weigh in day excited and nervous!
Sincerely
To Big for My Own Good... 

Day Four it is...

Day four was a little rough...not in the sense of eating wise and what i was eating but rather the lack of the amount i was eating..In the middle of my shift i nearly passed out. I was fading in and out my stomach in such terrible pains, It was a feeling I couldn't describe.  Though i had eaten nothing, I felt as though i still needed to throw up, throw up what? I'm not exactly sure.  All i had to eat yesterday was a piece of crispy chicken from KFC with some mashed potatoes  and handful of my nut and raisin mix.  I had no water, which I do believe was one of my goals. I did however have 3 cups of tea and that was it all day yesterday, So because of that I do believe that was the reason for my awful stomach sickness and my bout of being lightheaded  . In an attempt to do better today I have had spaghetti for dinner, and i packed myself some to bring to work with me so i can eat, and eat decent food. I have also started water today.  I hate drinking water, i would almost rather drink anything else! So i am going to have to be strong and do what it takes to get what i want....HAPPINESS!
Sincerely
To Big for my Own Good... 

day 3

Okay so day three... What to say about day Three. Well for breakfast/dinner(normal people time) I had another frozen pizza with extra pepperoni...and oh by was it yummy ;D, for lunch i had a nut and raisin mix. Then it was off to work!  At work I managed to not have anything to eat.  Which I am very proud of myself for! Normally when I do not eat at work when I come home i much until I am satisfied then I go to sleep and sleep like a log. Not this morning though. I had a small glass of milk to help curb the hunger so i could sleep.  I slept so soundly and more hours in a row than i had slept in weeks.  Yesterday  though i should have had more than one meal i feel was a success!
Sincerely
To Big for my Own Good....  

Okay last night at work I kinda cheated a little.  I did have breakfast because around midnight I had gotten the worst hunger pains. My problem is, because I eat a lot of spicy foods my metabolism is fast, and because my metabolism is fast I tend to eat very, very often.  It almost annoys me. Anyways for breakfast I ate, hash browns, eggs, and sausage.  Some protein and some starches for energy to get me through the rest of the night.  It worked well enough that I did not eat when I got home 6 hours later, though the thought of eating a cupcake( which i am a total sucker for) was tempting and difficult to turn down, I went to bed.  Normally I will snack before sleep because it is easier for me to sleep afterwords and I seem to sleep better on a full stomach, but not today. I feel asleep rather quickly, but it wasn't on a full stomach.  Last night I did pretty well. Through out the day I had 3 square meals and i managed not to snack...overall i would say the day was a success!
Sincerely
To Big for My Own Good...

Day 2 Nearing a Closing

As of right now it is 6:14 pm and today I have not done so bad.  I woke up and ate breakfast, which I managed to skip yesterday, It was quite a large breakfast too I might add.  I had, grits, eggs, bacon, biscuits  and some good ol orange juice. Quite the hardy breakfast if you ask me, enough carbs and protein to wake me up and keep me going through the day. Today I have also had 2 cups of tea, with nothing else to eat. Considering I woke up at 1pm today i'm still going strong.  The hard part is not over yet, Remember how i mentioned that I work graveyard shifts so my diet is different than most, well on a day I normally do not work, I do. I am covering a shift at 9pm tonight and I have no idea when i will be off, and I still have lunch and dinner to get through.  One of my goals was not to eat at work anymore because its not good food, especially late at night, so I am going to have to find something here at home, or just starve lol. Maybe a little something before I leave for work that way i'm not so hungry during my shift.  This not only saves me money but supports my life change cause.  I will post again in the morning when I get home and let yall know how it went tonight...until then...
Sincerely
To Big for My Own Good...

Ending of Day One

Okay so day one has not gone so well...so far today I have had 2 cups of coffee, one cereal bar, a cup of ice cream, pumpkin seeds, a few sweet tarts,half a soda, and water. When you think about the amount of time I have been awake, that being 15 hours now, that's not so much food. But just because I consumed a small amount of food in my 15 hours going to work, none of it was health...okay well maybe the water. I don't count my calories but i'm sure with the little I did eat I did consume my daily amount.  The day could have been worse...I have had plenty of temptation though I gave into some I did not give into all. I ran my sister to Walgreen's, the king store of candy sales....the ultimate place to go for movie or junk nights, always great deals on everything, so I could have gotten a lot for a little but I stood strong there.  I also took my sister to McDonald's for her dinner, where I had not one item on the menu. That was by far the hardest thing I have done all day.  My mom always said that eating at home is always healthier than eating out no matter the content of the food.  So because there is little food in my house at the moment I am thinking a frozen pizza for dinner. I don't know the difference in the calories or ingredients, but I am sure its not as bad  as ordering out from pizza hut or domino's. With some tea to drink that will conclude today's food intake. I know I could have done a lot better, but tomorrow is a new day and so much more room for improvement.

Sincerely
    To big for my own good....

Day one a couple hours in...

Okay so right now it is 2 o'clock in the afternoon and i am having issues already.  I have had 2 cups of coffee, had a stressful morning so caffeine was much needed, though i could have been stronger and strayed away from it an made tea instead.  I also have not eaten yet today...which is a bad thing because, as i'm sure you have all heard before, breakfast is the most important meal of the day! Coffee curbs my appetite so I don'g get hungry for hours after drinking it, just another reason to stop drinking coffee. The pain of being hungry sucks! I'm starving! so what i have done is eat a cereal bar took away the stomach pain, and eased the hunger now i can go about another hour or so that way i have time to prepare a full meal so i am not snacking on junk all day. I have a long day ahead of me, and boy is the time passing by slowly..wish me luck..
sincerely
to big for my own good...

Intro....Day one

As I was roaming though the house today, I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror, and I had to do a double take. I thought to myself has this what I have become, how have I let myself go this much? I was disgusted by what I have become. I am 20 years old, and I played sports in middle school, ran track, played volleyball, even coached it, then in high school I played volleyball ( only frosh year) I work out...all until my junior year when I took on a whole new challenge.  I was accepted into the running start program so I was a college student and  a High School student at the same time. Life started moving in fast forward. I had no time to do anything but homework and studying. After high school I began working...full time in places that were not necessarily the best places to work in for someone so weak....yup that's right, in restaurants! so easy to have quick access to terrible food....excellent but totally terrible food...and so I began packing on the pounds. 
      I had never payed attention to what I was eating or how often, which would only explain why i have gained so much weight.  I was always busy and/or active so I never had to watch what I was eating because I always burned it of anyways. Now things are a little different, I work graveyard shift at a 24 hr casino as a black jack dealer, so I sleep during the day, and I eat at night.  As it turns out night eating is not exactly the best thing for you so that would explain how since i started this job I have gained so more weight. I knew eventually my metabolism would slow down and it would be more difficult to keep of weight but I never imagined it would be so soon.
    So as I walked by the mirror today and realized just how much I did not like what I saw, I made a decision. That decision being that instead of complaining and loathing in self hatred I am going to do something about it! So for right now I am going to try my hardest to eat healthier! I am not going to change my diet drastically but for now I am going to tweak it a bit, starting with not eating at work, including the oh so tempting and ever so deliciousness in the vending machines. Second thing being no soda, and seriously trying to stay away from coffee ( complete coffee adict, have been for years), rather switching to tea. A much healthier option, provided I do not load it with sugars and other amazing things to make it taste even more amazing.  I will begin with these two steps.
     As much as I hate the scale, I realize I have to put up with its, as id like to believe them to be, Lies. Because I weighed myself today, and today being Saturday the 24th , I will weigh in on Saturday mornings. As any woman I would love to hide my weight but for the purposes of this blog, and the soon to be inspirational story of an ordinary woman who can loose weight, I must share with you my starting weight.
As of September 24 I am 200 pounds and I am 5'7''. According to medical charts my weight should be between 135 and 150ish. which means to look good I must  loose at least 50 pounds.
   Because this is something I am committed to I will blog my daily struggles, and my daily successes. Because new years resolutions rarely work out I would like to start one of the most common new years resolutions early.  Tonight I will post how the day went with my new restrictions intact. Until later, wish me luck!
Sincerely
...to big for my own good.