ugh...

This is the post I have been dreading the most. I told myself when I began this project that I was going to be honest with myself and my readers, as that is the point to doing the blog, so I have someone or something to answer to when I know I have been bad.  And.....Since my last post I have been anything but good. Imagine the worst amount of cheating and times it by ten and that's what i have done. I can almost feel myself growing larger by the bite but I continue to eat it anyways.  This time I cant even use an excuse like: I danced around the house as I was cleaning so all the bad stuff I've been eating I burned off. Which would be wonderful if i had actually done it. Of course if I had then  all those horrible horrible, horrible foods I have eaten still would not all have burned off but i'm sure, by the way I dance, that a certain amount would have in fact been burned off, though not nearly enough.
 As the days go buy I still wonder if I am strong enough to do this process. Ive been trying for about a month now, and I am pretty sure that I have maintained but not lost.  Its not like I sit around all day and I did do some of the things I originally wanted to do which would probably be the reason i have not gained nor lost any weight. I have stopped eating late at night, at work, I have started drinking more water, and man do I pee a lot now, good lord I wasn't aware it was possible to pee as much haha. I have also stopped eating right before I go to sleep. Now I will go to sleep hungry or I will drink a small glass of milk that will curve the hunger enough so that i can sleep alright.
 Now that I have officially confessed all my bad habit's to my self and you, I should really start getting back on track, a 3 day weekend is clearly not a good idea for me :) So with this utterly terrible news I now get back to trying to make my self happy by having less of myself.
Sincerely
To Big for My Own Good

the journey continues

Progress is slowly but surely being made..i have not stepped on the scale in weeks..but i know i do not need a scale to tell me how my journey is going.  I have cut back how much i am eating...not necessarily what i am eating just the amount.  I am trying not to deprive my self of all my desires because i know if i do then i am going to binge on my days off the the entire week of being strong will have all gone to shit and that is something that would suck and then i would only be more pissed off at myself. I know i am making progress because i can see it and feel it...especially when i put on some of my clothes and they fit a little better than they did before...major weight loss has not been accomplished yet...key word being yet! the journey is just beginning and i will get to where i want to be by the summer of 2012!
Sincerely
to big for my own good... 

CHALLENGER

COLD WEATHER, RAIN, SWEATS, MOVIES, AND A COUCH TO CURL UP ON IS DISASTER FOR SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO CHANGE THEIR LIFESTYLE.  ON OUR LAZY KIND OF DAY ALL WE WANT TO DO IS EAT FOOD NOT GOOD FOR US AND DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE. WHICH SOUNDS AMAZING ON A DAY LIKE TODAY. BUT I MUST STICK WITH THE PLAN THAT I HAVE ADVISED FOR MYSELF.
   I HAVE HAD A CHALLENGER STEP UP AND CHALLENGE ME ON THEIR JOURNEY TO A HEALTHIER THEM. AS A COMPETITION WE WILL BE POSTING EVERY COUPLE OF DAYS ON OUR SUCCESSES AND FAILURES. IN ORDER TO MAKE THESE BLOGS MORE INTERESTING YOU ALL SHOULD FOLLOW HER BLOG AS WELL. THE URL TO HER BLOG IS www.journeytoliving.blogspot.com. THIS IS ONE BLOG THAT SHOULD BE CHECKED OUT..SHE IS A WONDERFUL GIRL AS WELL AS A TALENTED WRITER THAT IS ABLE TO CAPTURE YOUR INTEREST TO MAKE THIS ALL THE MORE FUN.  
  I WOULD LOVE TO INVITE ANY OTHER CHALLENGERS TO JOIN AND GET HELATIER ALONG WITH US.  AS A GROUP WE ARE ABLE TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER ON OUR JOURNEYS. THIS WOULD ALSO GIVE US SOMETHING TO OWN UP TO SO WHEN WE DO CHEAT OR WANT TO GIVE IN YOU WILL HAVE TO ANSWER FOR IT. IN ALL THIS WE WILL BECOME HEALTHY IN A NATION THAT HAS GONE TO FAR. TO BE HEALTHY IS SOMETHING WE WILL HAVE TO FIGHT FOR, FOR A LIFE TIME. 
  SO JOIN ME AND GAIA IN THIS ENDLESS JOURNEY TO BECOME HEALTHY AND HAPPY!

LETS LET IT ALL OUT NOW....

So this week so far has probably been the worst week of my LIFE!I cannot believe how much I have cheated and just not cared about anything. Eating right before bed...unhealthy food at that. Eating everything in sight...its like I'm not even trying...but the most frustrating part of that is knowing what I'm doing and not doing any thing about it....I know what i want but i have just become another one of those people who sit on their ass complaining day in and day out about everything they hate about themselves and not doing a damn thing about it.  That is the last kind of person i wanted to be during this process and it is really pissing me off.  Why am i not trying harder? Have i become content and comfortable in the body i have developed?  How can i be happy though with disgust on my face every time i look in a mirror? Has this fat lining my bones become a comfort blanket? If so what am i afraid of? I think to become successful i need to look past my physical appearance and dig a little deeper into the emotion that has come with gaining this weight...and why i have not had the will to loose it. 
  Every day when i take a shower i have to see a body that makes me unhappy, and repulses me in a way it shouldn't. I would not be with someone who is like me because i do not find it attractive...how am i supposed to be found attractive with this excess weight? I understand some people don't mind it and some people even like it...but most of the time its people in the same position.  I am not happy. I do not look good. I will find my solution and I WILL fix the issues i have with my own body. I will not stand by and watch myself gain more weight become more unhappy and disgusted with myself. I will not sit on my ass all day and do nothing wile complaining about it.  From this day out I will try and think about what i am eating, why i am eating it...and think about how this food will affect me in a negative or a positive way.
   I figure just changing my diet is not going to work. Clearly i do not have the strength to do just that to loose weight...i must commit more to something to help aid in the depreciation of my fat.  I must start working out. Its not like its not fun...a work out buddy would be most help full but the fact that i do not have one cannot be an excuse as to why i am not doing it.
  I WILL be me again...I WILL be happy. I WILL loose weight. I WILL stop hiding. I WILL find myself again. I WILL BE STRONG!

End of week one!

Okay well I have managed to forget day 6 except for the fact I had drank a lot of tea..and for dinner i believe I had home made french fries...man those were a long time coming. For whatever reason I was craving them so badly. When I started this blog I told my self I was going to be honest, and not deprive myself of what I wanted or craved but rather eat a smaller amount of what ever the terrible for me food was. That I have done. As noted in my first post I was also going to drink water...that has not gone over so well. I hate drinking water, there is no fun in water and that could be possibly why, that is why I drink so much Tea. I get caffeine, and its fun to drink. Plus I figure I have to boil water then put a little packet of herbs in that hot water, either way I am still getting my water...well that proved wrong this week when I had not drank any water and almost passed out at work....lets just say...lesson learned! Water=GOOD!. 
     From that point on I began drinking more water....Cant say I like it now more than before but I can say that I am seeing a lot more of my bathroom now...I would say we are best buds now. I have never had to pee so much in my life! I was not aware that a human could pee so much, I thought for sure I was peeing out the pound I lost this week.  I cheated, sure, who doesn't, my problem, I cheated almost every day this week! I had a good day or two but the rest were not as they could have been.  Victory for week one! did not gain any more weight and lost 1lb. I would love to loose more so this week I am going to try to stick to my guns a lot more...because clearly I cannot continue doing the same thing. It would take me a year to loose 50lbs and well Im not that paitent, so this process is going to have to speed up a bit! summer will be here before we know it and i dont want to spend another summer hiding, and in constant fear someone is laughing at me behind my back, or dreading going shopping for summer clotes. For once I would like to look forward to the summer time, and looking cute in summertime!
  This weeks goals:
No more than one cup of tea per day
Only water besids one cup of tea every day
My only cheat once! (will choose time wisely)
No eating at work..(will have to bring something   from home
No eating before bed...all week
No mindless munching!
wish me luck on my endeavors!
Sincerely
To Big for My Own Good....